Fighting for My Life

100 roses

Made me cry

Its just a few seconds before my 35th Birthday and the last 6 weeks of my life has been one of the most eye opening weeks of my life. But before I go into that I want to first thank you for reading my first of many blogs. This one will be kinda long.  I named this site “Purposed and Crowned” for several reasons. I realize that when I was born on August 16th 1980 in Columbus, Mississippi a small preemie that was not going to make it. In NICU for weeks and I fought to stay alive. I must have known then that God had a plan for my life.  I also realize that since birth I have always been in a hurry to make things happen even if it will cost me my life. At the age of 9 I was sexually molested which I just decided to deal with this past year, but at age 9 a piece of me felt dead for all these years, but God said I have a purpose for you.  Fast forward to college days.. President of the Black Student Association, just had  the best homecoming party at Kasanovas and headed home with my girl Kim, I get out the car with several thousands of dollars from the door and was followed to the stairs of my apartment and robbed at gun point. I could have lost my life that night, but again God said, you have a purpose I need you to fulfill. Fast forward almost a year later, driving my mothers car down the highway and all of sudden every sensor in the car goes off, its starts smoking, I loose control, get off the highway and the car comes to a stop. A man walks up to me and says to get out and helps me call for help. Help arrives and the man disappears like he was never there… needless to say I found out the engine in that car should have exploded. Spared again. That man I have to believe was my angel there to save me.  There are countless times where I thought my life was going to end but God reminded me that I have a purpose that I need to fulfill. Lets fast forward to present day. Here I am a wife, mother to one of the most beautiful, wise and adorable little girlsn, sister, mentor,  hospice advocate, CEO of one of the largest pageants for women of color and founder of a non profit. I have been honored by Audi, received the Black Women that Can Award, and will receive a honor for being an outstanding black woman in media in October. From the outside looking in, my life looks perfect. Yet just like I was almost 35 years ago, I am fighting to live. You might ask how so? The honors and achievements are great, they are like pretty shiny crowns that my queens wear. Beautiful, heavy and can be sometimes a pain and painful. The weight of who I am and what I do is extremely heavy. So heavy that I almost wanted to give up. In 6 weeks  my entire life flipped upside down. Allow me to be real and raw with you. I have empowered women all over the US, Africa and the Caribbean, by telling them the truth. Being real, raw and transparent is all I know how to be with others but not sometimes with my self. This year as the awards started coming, and being featured on BET during Selma, I started to feel like I arrived. I lost 30 lbs and was feeling and looking  great! Started moving around Atlanta in circles that others wished they could be in. But it clicked in the last 6 weeks, that it doesn’t matter how many red carpets you walk, how fabulous my stylist and make up artist made me look, how many awards you win, how many people want to pretend to be your friend, what matters is are you fulfilling your purpose, are you really living or are you secretly dying inside. Now don’t get me wrong empowering women is my passion, its my purpose but it comes at a cost. I give 100% of my time to my purpose but nothing to my self and to my family. I was pouring into these amazing young women and was empty. They were getting the residue left over, which really isn’t my best. I didn’t take the time to rest and rejuvenate myself. I didn’t take the time to take care of my body. I was so busy pouring into young women that I neglected my marriage, and forgot to pour into the most important young lady in my life, my daughter. So 6 weeks ago another successful event, lives changed forever and my life is falling apart. Marriage is on thin ice, my child and I are not on the same page, she doesn’t even want to spend time with me. Work just got tough, anything that could go wrong has and now my health flipped upside down. Again from the outside I look fine, but inside I am praying that either the rapture happens or I get hit by a car. I felt completely depleted, defeated and disgusted. I felt that no matter the lives I’ve impacted, it doesn’t matter if my own life is at stake. I don’t remember what birth was like but what I do know after spending time in the NICU, that most preemies have a hard time breathing cause their lungs aren’t developed. Its a struggle to breath. It takes so much energy for these sweet babies to breath and sometime they need help. In the last 6 weeks I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember laying in bed one night having a major panic attack thinking this is not what you had in mind God. Surely I have gone wrong somewhere. I woke up the next morning, got on my prayer call, prayed with my fellow sisters and went about my day, still struggling for air. Mad at God cause I felt at this point completely alone. The pressure was so intense that I felt like I couldn’t go on. Then a song that I listen to a lot came on, but this time it was like oxygen to me, helping me breathe. The words are as followed “You met me deep in my despair to show me you,Would never leave me there, you claimed, Be’Cause I was made for so much more, I am your child and I’m worth fighting for, Though heavy with the weight of my mistakes, You carried me and refused to let me sink under the pressure, You meant for me to soar. I am your child And I’m worth fighting for. eyes haven’t seen, Ears haven’t heard all you have planned For me and nothing can separate me from,Your love when there’s so much
More still worth fighting for, Now I’m moving by faith and not by,Site towards victory by the power of your might, You’re straightening out my past and opening
Every door I am your child and I’m worth fighting for,Eyes haven’t seen ears haven’t heard.All you have planned for me and nothing,Can separate me from your love when There’s so much more still worth fighting for” It clicked! Even though it looks really ugly right now, PATRICE you are worth fighting for. Now like magic did everything go back to being great. Um no! It actually got harder. Let me tell you a little about the enemy, he doesn’t ever want us to reach our full potential in God, and he surely doesn’t want the light bulb to come on in your life reminding you of your purpose in God. So when I realized that fighting for my life was not an option but mandatory for me to live, or my marriage to live, for my family to live, for my business to live. Things got harder. One big blow after the other. The devil would throw a punch and God would send a reminder that He has me. That He was handling this fight now. All I would need to do is keep breathing. So here I am breathing, hooked up to the best oxygen source there is. So when I get short of breath (feel like I cant go on) He sends His Holy Spirit like a respiratory therapist to teach my how to breath better. The fight for my life is real. When you are purposed by God and realized you are crowned as His child, the fight for your life is spiritual. The enemy wants nothing more than you to give in and give up on your life. The enemy wants nothing more than you to have a lack of faith or no faith in God so when life gets tough you don’t know where your O2 source is and you lose your life cause you had nothing helping you to breathe. So the fight for my life is spiritual. The fight for your life is spiritual. There is a war going on in my house, and sadly I almost let the enemy take my life, my marriage, my family, my business etc. I felt like that preemie 35 years ago in the incubator desperate for air. Thank you God for not giving up on me and giving me the air I need to breathe and thrive.  I know this was pretty deep and raw but I want to you know, that everything that glitters is not gold, that I am not a socialite, or trying to be something I am not. I am a young women  saved by grace, who struggles with faith, doubt, hurts, pains, relationships, debt, depression, and so many things that you might struggle with. I just have to remember that God will never leave me, and His grace is sufficient, that He crowned me His daughter for a purpose and most importantly Im worth fighting for. Today God sent another reminder of why I cant give up or give in. I received 100 beautiful roses from the MBUSAM Queens. I am not sure who was in on this surprise but roses are my absolute favorite flower, because this not so pretty thorny plant, produces the most beautiful sweet smelling flowers. I thank God that though our lives may look ugly and thorny when He is done watering us, pouring His word into us, and giving us His Son that gives us life, we produce such beautiful sweet smelling purposes. Thank you to those amazing ladies for reminding me that my purpose is sweet smelling and that God is just pruning the bush back a little so I can produce more beautiful sweet smelling specimens of His purpose in my life.  So instead of dreading another year, I am embracing it and Thanking God for not giving up on me or letting me give up, realizing that EYES HAVE NOT SEEN NOR EARS HAVE HEARD WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED FOR ME.. it might be rough right now but it will be alright. My birthday wish is simple. If you are fighting for your life like I am.. keep going, you are so worth it. God has a purpose and plan, let Him be your O2 so you can breathe. If you are a believer keep praying, the prayers of the righteous availeth much! If you don’t know God, I encourage you to get to know Him for yourself, this is not about religion for me, but its the BEST relationship ever! Last but not least, keep supporting the vision God gave. I pray it continues to change lives all over the world.

Thanks for allowing me to be raw and transparent. Thank you for the birthday wishes, love and surprises.   I look forward to living purposed and crowned. I hope you enjoyed my blog and look forward to the next blog. I have so many things to share over this next year.